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Articles
The
Top 10 Mistakes that Couples Often Make
People enter into partnerships with optimism and good will. Partnerships often turn sour because ineffective patterns of relating become habitual and lead to a gradual withdrawal of esteem and caring for each other.
1. Avoid conflict.
Avoided conflict requires repression of anger, which leads to depression of feelings. A genuinely passionate partnership requires conflict, not terminal niceness or withdrawal.
2. Avoid each other.
Occasional withdrawal is healthy. Habitually withdrawal (stonewalling) is death to partnership.
3. Escalate.
Conflict, skillfully handled, is one of the keys to a great relationship. Conflict out of control is an excuse for physical, verbal, or psychological abuse. I coach people to take turns being angry, and when both partners are angry, take a time out.
4. Criticize.
Habitually speaking (or thinking) criticism is hard on a relationship. Criticism is usually a sign of that the criticizing partner has some personal development work to do. I coach that it is OK to complain, but not OK to criticize.
5. Show contempt.
Contempt is criticism escalated to outright mental abuse.
6. React defensively.
Fear is natural. Defensiveness naturally accompanies fear. Skillful partnering requires practicing techniques that allow me to drop the defensiveness despite my fear.
7. Deny responsibility.
When I deny my responsibilty for my part of the issue, I wind up blaming my partner and trying to change him or her.
8. Rewrite history.
Remembering mainly the negative experiences in a partnership is a predictor for future problems. All partnerships have their difficult spots. Partners that stay together are proud of their ability to weather the stormy seas and are warmed by their memories of the happy times spent on tropical beaches.
9. Refuse to get help.
Partnership coaching and willingness works!
10. Believe that changing partners is the solution.
People may go through several partners while repeatedly avoiding the same basic issues. We naturally choose partners that push our buttons for our personal development. Refusing to learn the requisite lesson requires another repetition.
