A good marriage doesn't just happen. It takes a lot of hard work. And the quicker we learn this, the better prepared we are when the original love feelings have run out. Far from being the end of the marital road, as many couples mistakenly believe, this is the point where real, deep, lasting love can actually begin.

Except that now you have to actively commit to creating and maintaining loving emotions. You have to keep the romance going.

GET OUT OF YOUR RUT

We are all creatures of habit. From the moment we wake up right until we drift off to sleep again, we follow a daily routine that is made up of habits. Just stop to ponder - was there anything you did yesterday that was drastically different from the day before? Or do you envision you'll be doing things any differently tomorrow? Yes, the finer details will differ - you'll meet new people, wear different clothes, eat different food or maybe even go to different places. But the basic habit pattern remains the same, doesn't it? You still wake up in the usual way, by a certain time, brush your teeth and shower, get dressed, gulp down breakfast, scream at the kids and dash off to work, driving the same route before settling in at the office.

And we do the same thing in our marriages. If things sometimes seem so cold between you and your partner, ask yourself these questions: Have I been doing the same old stuff with him or her, over and over again in the same boring sequence? Or, am I actively injecting life and joy into my marriage by doing different things in different ways? How would your husband or wife respond if you asked them, 'When was the last time you felt special with something I did for you?' If they stop to think for too long, chances are you've allowed the spring of romance in your marriage to dry up.

TAKING LOVE FOR GRANTED

Remember how things were when you first met your spouse and started going out? Effortless passion just swept you along, and those feelings had you doing the most exciting and intense things for him or her. You went out together to do fun things. You laughed, you talked, you played. Almost everything you did was powered by the love you felt for one another. Then, as hormones waned, that original flame started to flicker, and before long, you'd stopped doing loving things for one another. When you look at your husband or wife, there's no heart-thumping, weak-at- the-knees reaction anymore. Just a deep fondness and familiarity, a 'yes, you're nice' feeling which is great if you're talking about the family cat, not the person you married!

It's never a conscious or deliberate act. Too often, we get caught up with the busyness of life and among the first things we forget to do is take care of our love for our spouse. And this is why so many relationships start to crack between four and ten years of marriage - simply because we've stopped doing things that create deep and lasting emotions. Go back to your behaviour with your spouse in your courting days and try to match it to how you relate to each other now. How drastically have things changed, and have they been for the better? If we're really honest with ourselves, we'll be able to identify areas of our relationship which we have neglected, or just plain taken for granted. And then we need to work at reversing the process.

FINDING LOVE AGAIN

It's a difficult and often painful place to be when you lose your original love. It's not a unique affliction that hits some of us, but a universal thing that every strong relationship goes through. Because they are unprepared for this, many couples quit when their feelings of being in love disappear. They think it's gone forever and they'll never get it back, so they either get divorced and try with a new partner or carry on in a cold, passive marriage. What they don't know is that real and lasting love must be actively pursued after the hormone-based emotional feelings have run out. Loss of love is the signal every couple must heed as a time to build a real marriage - not on infatuation, but on an intimate, genuine love that lasts forever.

Now is the time to do something revolutionary - something you've never done before. It's going to involve actively engaging one another with loving behaviour in order to rekindle the romance once more. It will not magically re-appear when you wake up one morning, without any effort on your part. In a nutshell, it's cultivating new habits of relating to one another and never ceasing to look for ways to stir up and keep the love going. And as tough as it might seem, it's certainly well worth the effort, when you consider the grim alternative. For a start, have a heart-to-heart with your spouse about your daily habits, and honestly consider which ones can be modified a little or chucked out altogether.

TILL DEATH DO US PART

So, how do you keep the music playing? What are some of the little things you can start doing to keep thoughtfulness and romance alive in your marriage? Well, here's a list of suggestions to get you started - sometimes, all it takes is small changes to make huge differences in our relationships.

. Always say please and thank you
Many couples forget this basic courtesy, thinking they can do away with politeness or that their spouse should know they're grateful. Everyone needs to feel loved and appreciated.

. Communicate
This is probably one of the most important aspects of a good marriage. Set daily time aside to have meaningful conversation with each other. Develop and keep the channels open at all times, by talking about your day, your feelings, even interests, hobbies or sports. As you are able to share views and opinions about unimportant things, it becomes easy enough to talk openly about more significant matters. Make sure it's a conversation, though, not one-sided chatter!

. Edit yourself
Careless words, once spoken, can deeply crush your spouse's spirit and cause permanent damage. Couples who avoid saying every angry thought that comes to mind are consistently happier. Garbage should be thrown out - not delivered to a loved one.

. Set high conduct standards
Refuse to accept hurtful behaviour from one another. The most successful marriages are those which have committed at the very start of the relationship to keep a low-tolerance level for bad behaviour. This includes yelling, abusive language, physical violence or temper tantrums.

. Show respect and politeness
Many simple disagreements escalate into raging rows because of the tone or manner used. Avoid critical or confrontational remarks. Ask yourself, 'Do I treat my spouse as the most special person in the world or am I more polite to my neighbours?'.

. Graciously accept apologies
When a sincere apology is offered, be gracious in accepting it. Don't get all prickly in the way you handle it, or minimise it by muttering under your breath or throwing reproachful looks at your spouse. Remember, we may allow bitterness and resentment to set in when we fail to fully forgive or accept a heartfelt apology.

. Focus on the positives
Leave behind negative words, thoughts or critical attitudes and look for opportunities to communicate praise to your spouse. In a happy marriage, couples need to make at least 5 times as many positive statements to, and about each other, as opposed to negative statements. Words of praise make your spouse feel valued, strengthened and loved. It also helps him or her understand what touches you.

. Honesty is the best policy
Often, people keep big secrets about themselves from their spouses because they're afraid of possible rejection if the truth is revealed. Honesty builds trust, so be willing to be open. Of course, exercise wisdom in how you speak the truth, as answering 'Yes' to your wife's question of 'Honey, do I look fat in this?' is simply asking for trouble!

. Take time to listen
Be a great listener, and encourage your partner to pour out his or her thoughts, especially when they're going through a tough time at work. Look into their eyes when they're talking, to assure them of your undivided attention.

. Date your mate
Make time for just the two of you at least once a week, even if it's just taking an evening walk around your neighbourhood together. One-on-one time is so precious these days! If you share the same faith, take time to seek God for wisdom in your daily life together.

• Always find time to laugh
Laughter is truly good medicine, and cultivating
a sense of humour and the ability to laugh at
oneself goes a long way in dealing with tense
situations. Learn how to make your spouse
laugh when things get really down.

• Get creative
Never be afraid to try out new activities you can do together, whether it's dance lessons or ice-skating. This applies to your private moments together as well, and you can certainly spice things up in the bedroom with new love ideas that will keep you both happy!

Sharing the profoundest love ever - that's what marriage is all about! And it's much more fulfilling than the hormone-driven infatuation you started off with. Commit to it faithfully, and you'll be rewarded with a deep fulfilment as lasting love is set ablaze in your heart once more.

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