Libido, at face value, it's simple principle. Girl meets boy, boy is very sexy, girl gets turned on…sex happens. If it goes well and he pushes all the right buttons, you go back for seconds. As your emotional connection deepens, sex becomes more intimate and love making happens. Awww, ain't bonking beautiful? Unfortunately, it doesn't always stay that simple. The libido is a sensitive tool and affected by many factors – some within your control and others not. So whether you want to up your sex drive or reawaken a flailing lust life, just understand the bloody thing better, read on…

Libido letdown 1:
Is it your party lifestyle?

Alcohol and sex have a love-hate relationship. Love? Alcohol is a libido enhancer because it relaxes our inhibitions. After a few champers, you're more likely to approach that cute boy across the bar or gain the courage to try new moves on your man. And hate? The "libidinous" effects begin and end with Dutch courage. "From the very first drink, alcohol does nothing for arousal in the body - it's only in the mind," says sexologist Dr Gabriel Morrissey, author of Urge. "Having more than a few drinks or getting whacked on party drugs is absolutely deadening to the sexual response. It not only decreases your libido while you're under the influence, but for days or weeks later it will plummet as your body takes that energy to recover."

So if you've been going out too much and your sex life is suffering, consider having a few (sober) nights in.

Libido letdown 2:
Is it your relationship?

"In most cases, a low sex drive can be linked to relationship problems," says Anna Hollonds a counsellor. "It could be something as major as trust issues or as minor as contantly bickering about the household chores."

Couples are often guilty of focusing on the downturn in a sexual relationship instead of confronting real issues that are at the heart of the problems. "Our sexual response system is a feedback loop between our brains and our genitals, so if your head or heart has a problem, your sex drive will almost likely suffer," adds Morrissey. Sort out the problem - either by talking it through with each other at home or seeing a professional counsellor for a little help - and the urge to make love will return.

Libido letdown 3:
Have you stopped making sex a priority?

When you first meet, you put the rest of your life on ice - often to the chagrin of your girlfriends - to see each other. It is exciting, passionate and sexier than Jude Law wearing nothing but a come-hitter grin. But when the initial buzz wears off, you enter a more secure phase and begin to reclaim your independence. As a result, your priorities also change. Morrissey' five seconds of free therapy? "You can communicate until the cows come home, but to make a difference, you have to behave your way to change."

Samantha agrees. Three years after she and Justin got together, they were reduced to having sex once a month. "We were in a rut. I was always working late or out with the girls or doing an evening course. By the time I got home, I was usually exhausted. I knew that Justin was disappointed and feeling rejected so, one week, I decided to do something sexy for him every night. It really helped me get back into the swing of things and I rediscovered how great it is to make love with him.

Libido letdown 4:
Do your sex drives differ?

Its common for libidos and sexual expectations to fluctuate in a relationship, so don't freak if you're temporarily out of sync with your partner. However, if it's causing frequent fights between you or you can't seem to talk it through, take action before the situation gets worse. It's not hving sexual ups and downs that make or break a relationship, it's how you manage them. "It can pull you apart or be an opportunity to learn how to negotiate your needs, understand each other better and reach agreements about your sex life," says psychologist Amanda Ferguson.

Libido letdown 5:
Is it medical?

While most of the factors that affect one's libido are lifestyle- and relationship-based, there are some medical explanations for a lowered sex drive. If sex causes you pain. For example, a doctor can diagnose what's going on and prescribe a plan of actionfor you so you can start enjoying, well, some action.

If you have a history of sexual abuse, the impact your past has on your present will depend on how the trauma was dealt with. However, if you have abuse in your background and a libido that is low - or on a slippery slope - see a psychologist to work through your problems. You deserve to enjoy the pleasures of a healthy and rewarding sex life. Or, you may be clinically depressed. "Loss of libido is one of the early symptoms of depression," says Ferguson, who is also the author of Life Works. Other signs include feeling low for more days than not; a change in appetite, weight and sleep patterns; a feeling of hopelessness about the future; feelings of wothlessness and guilt; and recurrent thoughts about suicide or death. Seek help from a counsellor if you think you have some of these symptoms.

Libido letdown 6:
Are you bored?

Remember back to the beginning of your relationship when you were new hands discovering each other's bodies? Fast forward a few years and you know what to expect. However, rather than simply believing the hype that being stuck in a sex rut is a long-term relationship trade-off, put in some effort and take steps to re-energise your love life. "Role-play, act out fantasies, go away on dirty weekends," advises Morrissey. " Even just change the location and time of day you have sex." All of these will help to ensure your love life stays exciting.

Such lovemaking strategies will also offer many benefits outside the bedroom. Couples who have a healthy sex life will often have a better relationship in general and feel closer to one another. "They communicate more effectively, feel more energised and show more affection towards each other," notes Morrissey.

by Brooke Le Poer Trench

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